Silver Nightmares, Golden Dreams
by Steampunkgirl198
Summary: For as long as Tessa has known Jem, he's always handled his fate with an optimistic attitude, never letting it get the best of him. But what about before Tessa came along? How did Jem come to terms with knowing his days were numbered? How could he find joy or a silver lining knowing he'd never reach his golden days? Happier than it sounds! Plus, Jem Carstairs and Will H. as kids!
1. Chapter 1

AN: This first chapter is darker than the others, and since the story gets lighter from here on I've decided to give it a T rating. Spoilers if you haven't read The Infernal Devices. If you haven't read The Infernal Devices, GO READ THEM NOW. This first chapter is the last of the three days Jem and his parents were held captive by the Greater Demon Yanlou as seen through Jem's perspective. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story!

All TID characters belong to Cassandrs Clare.

It was happening again.

He was bound to the chair; the ropes biting into his wrists and ankles were covered in dried blood, and the smell of rot and something sickeningly bittersweet made it hard to breathe. The last of these things was what made his muddled thoughts sharpen immediately. Young as he was he was, he was still a Shadowhunter; he knew there were demons in the room before he opened his eyes, even without the tell-tale stench of them. That wasn't what had woken him though. It was his mother, calling for him over and over, her beautiful voice strangled by grief and exhaustion.

_"Jian, Jian my baw bei ,Jian please, hold on," _she cried. She was bound like he was, and there were long claw marks on her arm from when she'd resisted.

_Don't cry Mama, it's alright, _he tried to say. A gag was covering his mouth though, and she couldn't hear him. It wouldn't have helped even if she had heard him though; she would have known he was lying. Nothing was alright. Yanluo and a group of other demons had tunneled into the Shanghai Institute and killed everyone but Jem and his mother, even his papa… and now he was dying too. He could feel the demon poison they had forced down his throat creeping through his veins, growing ever closer to his heart. When it got there his heart would be strangled by the toxins and stop beating, and then he would die.

He wouldn't give up though. He was a Carstairs, the son of the heads of the Shanghai Institute. His papa, a brilliant and respected shadowhunter from England, who knew more about demon-tracking than anyone else and could play music so beautiful it would break the hardest of hearts. His mama, a force to be reckoned with, who was renowned around the world for her combat skills, and had single-handedly killed the offspring of the Greater Demon Yanluo.

Yanlou was enraged. He'd planned his revenge, searched for any way through the wards protecting the Institute, and then crept in like a nightmare with his followers, killing shadowhunters asleep in their beds, and then slaughtering the rest. The only ones spared were those who were away on a hunt. That wasn't enough for Yanlou though. He wanted Jem's mother to suffer, so he'd decided to repay the favor and kill _her_ son. So for the past three days, they'd been in Hell. At least, he thought it was Hell. Where else could there be so much pain and misery?

For hours on end that felt more like weeks, the poison would cloud his mind, overtaking any sense of reality and trapping him in a dimension of hallucinations and horror as his body shook and fought a losing battle against the contaminant. His mother begged him to hold on again, but he was only a child, and he couldn't hold on much longer. He'd nearly given up on the second day when he saw his papa dead, his neck snapped, and heard his mama's racking sobs echo through the study. It was hard to see in the darkness, but he'd been able to make out his father's figure, and he'd immediately known something was wrong. His father was never arrogant, but he was proud. Proud of being a shadowhunter and protecting the world, proud of his beautiful, intelligent wife, and proud of his young son Jem. That was why, when Jem saw his shoulders slumped and his head hanging, he knew he was dead.

Jem was pulled from his dark memories as a prickling sensation on the back of his neck encouraged him to try and see through the dark. Something was happening.

He could hear Yanlou and another of the demons speaking in a language that sounded like stone being scraped against dry bones, and then had to squeeze his eyes closed against the sudden light. A candle, as well as part of the holder, had been lit, and Jem once again recoiled at the sight of the monsters as his eyes adjusted. It was grotesque, with warped, blackened skin stretched over a humanoid/reptilian figure, sharp, curving claws, and cavernous eyes dark as the abyss set back into its skull. He couldn't even begin to describe Yanlou. He shivered as the Greater Demon's gaze swept over him, and suddenly he realized his mother had stopped calling for him.

She was glaring with unspeakable hatred at Yanlou, her usually calm features contorted into a mask of fury.

_"Hell spawn," _she snarled, her voice low. _"You will pay for what you have done. For the lives you and your followers have stolen. For harming _my _family. I will destroy you beyond the point of any recovery, and you will never see another day in this dimension or any other."_

Jem had never seen his mother look so frightening, but Yanlou seemed unimpressed. This time when he spoke it was in English.

_"Strong words from such a fragile creature," _he said, as one of the lesser demons began skirting the edges of the room, making its way slowing towards Jem and his mother. He tried to call out to warn her, but to no avail, her attention was focused solely on the monster that had taken everything from her.

_"If I am so fragile then why do you keep me bound?" _She hissed. _"Untie me and let us fight, you coward." _

_"The fight is over Nephilim," _he replied with eerie calm. _"You've lost." _The lesser demon was drawing close now, and Jem used all his remaining energy to topple his chair over. Immediately, two pairs of eyes focused on him, one was his mother's alarmed gaze, the other two unreadable pools of darkness. Jem willed his mother to turn her head, just enough to see the other demon, now right behind them. Yanlou saw where his frantic gaze led, and laughed. Jem's heart sank.

_"Your mother's death will not be painless. I'd thought to make her watch your demise," _he said, ignoring Jem's mother's cry of rage,_ "but as your pain seems to further her own, perhaps you should be the one to watch." _That was when Jem realized with strange detachment that the demon had not been coming to kill his mother; it had been coming to kill him.

_"The last thing she sees will be your despair," _Yanlou said. And with that, the lesser demon sprung forward, and slashed his mother's neck before she could so much as blink. Crimson blood flowed over her pale skin and stained her clothes, and she gasped for air. Her eyes met Jem's and undying love for her child shown in her gaze.

_"__Wo hǔzǐ. _Wo ai ni Jian, wo ain ni," she whispered_, _as the light left her eyes.

For the second time, Jem felt a piece of his soul being ripped away, and he felt nothing could be worse than the pain he felt then. He was wrong.

The poison in his blood was getting stronger, and he thought he would pass out from the pain as his chair was righted and he found himself face-to-face with Yonlou.

_"You will be dead in a matter of hours," _he said without feeling. _"So I am leaving you here as my messenger. You will tell the other Nephilim what has happened here. You will tell them what happens when they cross a Greater Demon." _ He turned and left without another word, extinguishing the candle as he passed with his followers trailing after him, and then Jem was alone in the dark.

Jem was silent. The study was spattered with blood, the furniture was broken to pieces, and the place Jem had always called home was now a tomb.

It was too much to comprehend. He was alive, but not for long. His life was over before it had ever begun.

…

Jem had retreated into the farthest corner of his mind, and so, when he distantly heard the other shadowhunters returned, he did not move. When they raced past the trail of bodies leading to the study he didn't call for help. When they burst through the doors he didn't flinch. And when one shadowhunter checked his pulse and said in shock, "_By the Angel, he's alive!" _Jem did not respond, and he didn't fight when the world around him faded to black.

2nd AN: I apologize for the cruelty. I promise it will not always be this depressing! For everyone who doesn't speak Mandarin, at the beginning Jem's mother is saying "Jem, Jem my baby, Jem hold on" (Jian is Jem's birth name, though nobody but his mother seems to call him by it). At the end she is simply saying "My tiger cub (tiger cub just being an affectionate nickname for a brave child.) of . I love you Jem, I love you." Questions, comments, ramblings, are always welcome, and I hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

All rights to The Infernal Devices characters belong to Cassandra Clare.

Pain. That was the first thing Jem became aware of as his mind fought against the fog threatening to drag him under again. As he slowly gained consciousness, he became aware of several other things. First, was that he was lying on a bed. Second, was that as he breathed in slowly, it seemed very likely that several of his ribs (as well as a few other bones) were broken; and thirdly, this meant he was alive, despite how close to death he felt.

His tried to remember what had happened, but his memories were unfocused; slipping away like the glittering koi fish in the pond at the Shanghai Institute did whenever he trailed his fingers through the water. Jem gasped suddenly as a stabbing pain shot through his chest, it felt like someone had stabbed his heart from the inside out. He gingerly lifted a hand to his chest, and was surprised to discover it was covered in bandages. Confused, he forced his eyes open, and screamed.

There was a skeleton standing over him! He tried to back away, but a wave of pain swept over him and he collapsed. His breath came in short gasps as the creature drew closer, but he froze as a voice echoed inside his head.

_Do not be alarmed. My name is Brother Azariah. I am one of the Silent Brothers, and have been tasked with watching over you._

"A S-silent Brother?" Jem asked, taking in Brother Azariah's frightening appearance. Jem had heard of the powerful healers who lived in the Silent City and had abilities and knowledge far surpassing that of any average shadowhunter many times, but he'd never seen one of them in person before. Jem looked around at his surroundings, and realized he was in an infirmary. There were white curtains on all sides of him, the air smelled slightly of tonics and dust, and high above he could see an arching stone ceiling like that usually found in a church. Or an Institute.

Jem returned his focus to the present moment. The Silent Brother was wearing a heavy, parchment colored robe, that was covered in strange runes the color of dried blood. His skin was pale and scarred; it truly did look as if someone had stretched skin over a skeleton, and his mouth was threaded shut with dark, black stitches. It was Brother Azariah's eyes that terrified Jem the most though. Or at least, what _should_ have been his eyes. There were deep indentations in their place, the skin around them crisscrossed with shining, ragged scars. Despite having no eyes, it seemed as though Brother Azariah was staring straight into the depths of Jem's soul, and he was powerless to shield himself. It seemed Brother Azariah knew what he was thinking, for when he spoke again he said:

_I cannot see into your soul without your permission, but I can hear your clearest thoughts. You have no need to fear me Jian Carstairs. I carry the blood of the Angel just as you do, we are allies. _

"Jem," he said, relaxing slightly at Brother Azariah's words. "I-I'm sorry," he apologized, realizing he'd interrupted. "However, everyone calls me Jem. The only person who refers to me as Jian is my-" He froze as a memory of flowing crimson blood flashed across his mind. "_Mama._" He choked as if the word had burned him, and Jem began to sob as his memories return. Images of spattered blood and strangled cries blurred into a whirl of horror and he cried all the harder. Tears streamed down his face as he remembered his mother's dying words to him.

_"Wo ai ni Jian, wo ai ni" _

She would never say those words again. She would never say _any _words again… She'd never again tell him of their Shadowhunter ancestors, or show him the swirling patterns of new runes, or sing softly in Chinese when he was sick or hurt. His father would never sit in the study and show Jem where all the Institutes he'd visited were on the vast map that spanned the entire length of his desk again, or tell him the best methods for tracking demons. They were dead, murdered by a living nightmare.

Death wasn't unusual for Shadowhunters; it was a risk every one of them took, it was common, it was to be expected even.

It wasn't fair.

_"Life is rarely fair Jem Carstairs," _Brother Azariah said in his mind. _"It is often harsh and cruel; challenging us to the point of breaking .Nothing about it is fair. And yet, we fight so hard to protect it. Do you know why that is?"_

"No," Jem whispered with his head hung, becoming dimly aware that he'd clenched his fists so hard his nails had made bleeding crescent marks on his palms.

_"Because life is also extraordinary," _he said. _ "It is filled with beauty and amazement and joy, and it rewards us for our hardships with the feeling of being truly alive. It is not fair, but it is balanced. The joy in the world could not exist without the sorrow. Just as the Shadowhunters would not exist without the demons."_

Jem had always believed in the force of balance, but he could not imagine anything that would atone for what had happened.

Jem did not lift his head, but he did speak. "That is a beautiful philosophy," he said quietly, "but it will not undo what tragedies have already been done. It will not bring back my parents."

_"Nor will your death," _Brother Azariah replied.

Jem did lift his head then. "My death? What-" He stiffened as another pain swept through his chest. _The poison, _he thought_. _He'd been so busy mourning his parent's death he'd forgotten about his own.

"I'm dying aren't I?" He whispered. For a brief moment hope welled in his chest. Perhaps he'd see his parents again, maybe- His hope plummeted. Jem's family believed strongly in reincarnation. Life and Death was a never ending cycle, they would have moved on already. They were truly gone.

_"Yes, you are," _Brother Azariah began to say.

Say? Think? Jem wasn't sure which it was, or whether it really mattered at this point. _I suppose it doesn't, _he thought to himself.

_"But that is no reason to give up," _Brother Azariah finished.

Jem frowned, confused. "I don't understand," he said.

_"It is true that the poison in your veins is killing you," _he said. _"However, there may be a way to nullify its effects." _

"How?" Jem asked, not daring to hope.

_"It will not be an easy cure," _Brother Azariah said, ignoring his question. _"But of course, your death would not be easy either."_

"How?" Jem asked again.

Brother Azariah paused. _"There is a substance called yin fen. It is created from demon poison, much like that of which you were given, and we believe it will counteract the other toxins."_

"You believe?" He asked, refusing to hope just yet. "You are not certain?" He wasn't sure how he felt about uncertain substances, particularly those that involved demons.

_"Nothing is certain," _he said cryptically. _"There has never been an opportunity to test the effects. The odds are not ideal, but they are far better than your chances without trying."_

"Which are none," Jem said.

_"Yes," _he said._ "However, there is another factor to consider."_

This was why he hadn't dared hope. "What is it?"

_"The yin fen…it is also toxic. It will counteract the poison, but the amount needed to completely eliminate it would be impossible for a single person, even one who carries the blood of the Angel, to bare."_

"So in order to eliminate the poison altogether, I must take multiple doses?" Jem asked. That did not seem especially bad.

_"Somewhat. The poison has fused with your own blood. Even with multiple doses of yin fen, it would take years to eradicate it," _he said solemnly.

"It is admittedly not ideal," Jem said, a sense of hope growing despite Brother Azariah's grave tone. "But if it means I could one day live without the poison, I could-" He was cut off as Brother Azariah spoke again.

_"It is not that simple. The yin fen is a poison all in its own; it is also an addictive substance. The prolonged doses required to eliminate the other poison would make you dependent on it. You would need to continue taking yin fen always." _

"I'd need decade's worth of it," Jem said in shock. "Is there even that much _yin fen_ in existence? What if it were to run out? How would-"

_"You would not need an average life span's worth," _Brother Azariah said, a flicker of sadness in his tone.

"What? But you just explained I'd be dependent on it for the entirety of my life," Jem protested.

_"Yes," _he agreed again. _"But being so heavily reliant on the yin fen, your life would not be very long. Yin fen is a poison; it poisons the body and mind until it destroys them both. You would have perhaps three years." _

_AN: It will get lighter...eventually..._


End file.
